I need an outlet for private thoughts; I need to say things that I can't tell just everyone all the time, but for some reason it seems like everything I do has to be completely public. Sometimes I just want to have a private conversation with Xanga friends without everyone else automatically jumping on and seeing what I have to say. Who cares? It's not everyone's business, just some people's. I use Blogger to talk about things they can see, but Xanga is for me.

Yesterday I talked to him after almost 2 months of silence. It was hard to take in some of the things that he said to me. Heartless things, but things that I need to know. Things that help me get over him. I need to; I know that now. There is nothing there worth holding on to anymore. He admitted that a lot of what I knew was a lie--funny, that I was made to think I was crazy for not trusting him constantly, but his admission shows me that my lack of confidence was justified. Funny how that works, how one person can tear another down for a long time, and it's really just a defense. So, he was wrong all along, and now I know I wasn't crazy, but for some reason, it doesn't entirely make me feel better! It almost makes me feel worse for believing him for so long, and not only believing but having a lot of faith that far exceeded anything I've ever believed. Why put so much trust in love, because other people fail! I don't know if it makes me feel better to know the problem wasn't me, or worse to know, that after all, the problem wasn't me. It just breaks down more hope in finding someone else, other than myself, who can be trusted. How dare I challenge the system again?

So, life has changed. Nothing is where I thought it would be, and nothing looks like what I thought it should, but you know what? I'm completely okay with that. In fact, I love it! I am enjoying every second of living and breathing, these days, and I feel the joy of the Lord in my heart. Who but He knows where life will go from here? But the fact that He does know and is indeed providing that perfect way for me, makes all of the worries look like life from the wrong end of a telescope (in a good way!) I am looking forward to seeing where this road goes, because I am being constantly reassured that the way of the Lord is always for the best. It's funny how I don't even feel sadness over what has changed. The change has ceased to matter, and it feels like I rounded a corner in life and can't even remember what was around it behind me. I don't want to think about it, because I don't even want to remember. I just want to look ahead, following the Lord to wherever He leads me. God is good, oh so good!

In with the New!